sometimes you choose yourself to screw your life....how???
## 1 ##.... conversation ….between two strangers
{tarun dials a number and a girl’s voice appears on the other side.}
Girl : hulloo !!
Tarun :hi happy Diwali….
Girl : same to you………….and thanx a lot….but I m so sorry…. May I know who is calling..?
Tarun : [nervous smile …with a streak of fear] …unanimous….. a stranger…
Girl : hmm..that case ,, I m so sorry…. I don’t entertain stranger’s call… I fear I will have to disconnect
Tarun: hey ,,wait… what ,if I say dat we have been together at a place before.. I mean you hav seen me..
Girl :[irritated voice] look mr. xyz ,,,whoever you are…. Either tell me who you are or…. I will…
Tarun : ok…before I tell you who I am,,I must tell you that whatever I am doing… I am doing for the first time….this is not something I have done before….. I am a shy and introvert guy….
Girl : …huummm….ok… u may be as shy as miss universe… but I m least bothered …plz don’t piss me off…
Its Diwali today and I am not in a mood to break any body’s skull….
tarun : easy girl easy….!!
Look, I m not a loafer ….everybody who knows me…would vouch for me and my honesty..
Girl : {irritated}…oh just eff off………u are nuts….. I m disconnecting it…………
Tarun : heyy plz wait….what if you find out that you have really been with me…for as long as 20 hours……………..
Girl : well in that case .. I promise,, I would talk to you for whatever length you want me to……….
Tarun : well….. My name is tarun…..Tarun Mishra. I saw you in R.G.EXPRESS on 02/02/2010... coach-7,seat number 8…..actually mine was seat number 7….if u remember.
Girl : god !! you are impossible… you saw me in a train and you claim that I know you….
By the way…how in the world you have my phone number..?
Tarun : {smiles.}…..hmm…may be my lady-luck has something to do with this…..
Though I have your number..but I still don’t know your name….what you do..where you live…and anything or everything…….now that u know me and as u have already promised that you will talk to me,, I want to know them all.
Girl : my dear tarun… lady luck is not pleased with you at all….you have my phone number..but that doesn’t mean that.. I know you or I am answerable to u….am so sorry….
Tarun :hey.. you promised that you would talk to me…..
Girl : yeah… but the condition got void… I don’t know you…. Aur vaise bhi….promises are meant to be broken…
Tarun : I m sorry….i know I m bothering you..but please don’t do this to me…you cant even imagine how painstaking it was to manage even your phone number…
Girl : sorry boss !!.. I appreciate your effort…..just loved this part… but I cant help it…. I just cant spoil my Diwali with a complete stranger….anyways..happy Diwali… have fun..bye….!!
[ the line went dead………………and tarun was still holding his phone.. still mesmerised with her voice….as if her voice would come again….and would lit up his Diwali..]
## 2 ##............... Tarun’s ……[02/02/2010]
I was at Gorakhpur station along with two of my friends ,waiting for my train in the waiting room. A “girl”, cute one, infact cutest one…wearing jeans jacket and a stole around her neck,was like only one and only thing I was busy looking at ,during my entire stay at Gorakhpur station….suddenly my train was announced and I had to abort my romantic plot….i rushed to loo to freshen up….and when I came back ..she was already gone……. Aah !!! it was so sad....
Three of us had our seats….in two different wagons,,Don’t know what,but something came to my mind… and I asked my friend to exchange seats and I got into his compartment..and what I saw there was so unbelievable and so beautiful and so exciting…she was there sitting in the same compartment….
I was so thrilled … I thanked god and thanked my own decision of rightfully boarding the wrong coach.
I don’t need to tell you people that….by then I was neck deep in love with her….so much so..that I couldn’t muster the courage to talk to her…because I didn’t want to annoy her and spoil my chances.. I was being so careful.. all the while I only saw her through the corners of my eyes…she was so beautiful..calm ..composed..with every passing second ..my love grew for her…bigger and bigger……….its said if you look at your love from a distance, like a helpless creature,, your love multiplies and multiplies exponentially…
I wanted to say “hi” to her…wanted to ask her name….wanted to make her realise how much miserable she has made the things for me…. Wanted to tell her how I have scanned her almost thousand times,from head to toe, that I could even write a book on each of that….. wanted to take her in my arms and say that she was the one,only one I wanted to spend my whole life with……….
The whole arcane idea of love at first sight was so foolproof now ..so wieldy…
But throughout the journey… I remained tight lipped, I couldn’t say anything… my ass was like glued to my seat… she must have mistaken me as a deaf and dumb…..or may be she didn’t even notice me even though I was sitting at an arm’s distance…[.i m so useless] .and finally train reached my station …..so heavy footed and heavy hearted I was,but had to get off the train…it seemed as if I was leaving my newlywed wife for some war…
But ..to my surprise, I was enjoying my own miserable condition…it was a complete bizarre situation….because ..perhaps I was in love ..every inch of me was in love….
From the reservation chart I found out that she was going to dehradoon. There was a ray of hope to get her phone number….because one of the fellow passengers ,a lady, called up her husband by her cell phone to inform that the train was late by 3 hours….so,,seeing it as a ray of hope.. I friended her son and asked about his school …house….address …everything.and next day I was at dehradoon… searched and successfully searched that ladies’ home….
Explained her,,pleaded her,,, implored her….. and finally she looked up in her call records and gave me her number …… It made me feel as if ..i have got a novel prize in love….i was so happy…..but ahead, there was the real task and I decided to call her up on Diwali….
[I called her up and you people have already witnessed how my love story got derailed . . even before getting a start…….]
3 days later. . I got a call…yes, , I got a call from her….she called up…..
## 3 ##.... love actually……..
“who are you man….what are you”, she said. You have made me so restless…. Since last three days.. I m not able to think anything but you….even the idea of the pain and effort that u must have had in trying to get my number frightens me….how you managed it..?? I must say I am touched… and I want to meet you…….you won.
I couldn’t believe my ears. ”yeah”, said i. only that much I could say …….i was so happy..
We met.we met again….and we met again & again……
{And yeah..her name is “sonam”}
Love was in the air…it was in her…in me…..infact it was everywhere…suddenly life seemed so beautiful and so happening…we were completely overtaken by the euphoria of love……
[ we never realised it then that a disaster was looming around the corner….]
{one day both of us were lying in each others arm….}
Tarun : sonam..!!
Sonam : huhh….
Tarun : do you know what I do?
Sonam : you are some officer with indian government……
Tarun : not some officer…. I work for CBI.
Sonam :oh dat’s so hot ….. I never realised that my sweetie is a bond..james bond…!!
Tarun : but the sad part is that i will have to go out of the city for some time…its important… u promise to me that u will take care of yourself…
Sonam :[apprehensively] is it important..?
Tarun : hmmm……it is.
Sonam : okk…. Go… but do come back soon… I cant live without you anymore….a single moment would be like a lifetime.
[and he went away perhaps never to return again…]
## 4 ## sonam’s ………….
It was already a month since he left..and there was no news of him….. no call,, no letter..nothing..
I was deluged with…frightening thoughts …..
Is he dead? Has he cheated on me? Was he a philander ?
His cell phone was switched off. I tried to look around for him but only without any piece of success. when I contacted CBI office, they denied that there was any Tarun Mishra….I thought that CBI people never reveals anything….but somehow I was convinced that I was cheated ,, I realised that I was fooled….. there was enormous pain and anguish in every bit of me…..for so many days and so many nights I kept myself locked in my room…unable to decide what to do….all the scene was flashin in my mind…how we talked..how he touched me..where he touched me..& I bathed almost a thousand times just to get rid of him , his touch, his smell, his feelings….i wanted to clean myself.
More I felt cheated, more I wanted a revenge…..a vengeance….
And there came a bolt from the blue….i realised that I was missing my period by 2 weeks….i was pregnant….
Now I had two options….either to kill myself or to kill this baby….the filth,the sin ,the betrayal that was multiplying inside my body. but I did nothing…because I wanted to teach that bastard a lesson…so instead of him,I choose his baby to suffer….i started to eat minimum food. .so that the baby would get starved, I hurt myself so that this baby would get hurt.. only aim left in my life was to make that growing filth endure.with every passing second I made it sure that the baby inside me was suffering…even the god must have repented his decision to choose me as her mother….it gave me enormous joy…..TIT FOR TAT….
And slowly five months passed. I was waiting for the baby to grow mature enough to actually feel the pain, the real pain…which I was going through,,,….and when I was convinced that the baby has got his body parts and his senses developed… my ultimate gruesome plan was there…,one day I hurt myself in my lower abdomen with a pair of scissors….i was in a pool of blood.painfully happy… I didn’t care about my own death….. because..my revenge was more important than my own life… till the last conscious second i saw blood…baby was dieing…. I was relieved.
And when I regained my consciousness… I was in a hospital….i wondered ..who took me to the hospital…..still I was so happy and so painfully relieved of that lump.
but I had a devastating truth waiting for me. Tarun was there waiting outside…he came inside,,looked pale and weak.
He came running and hugged me…and started crying inconsolably….and I was numb… not sure what to do…. Whether to live or die. whether to laugh or cry..
“I m sorry”, he said. I was on a secret mission,when I was taken hostage by some Maoists…. I wasn’t sure if I would make it and would see you again….but god was with me… …. I m so sorry..!! I m so sorry…!! I know what you must have gone through all these days.
Only thing that was coming to mind was my baby… my innocent baby…. My love…. My part…whom I killed…whom I should have nurtured with my own blood..i gave him a bloody death…. How cruel….i wanted to die………………life had turned so ugly…. I held his arms and slapped him a number of times….and all I was saying was - “why you didn’t come on time…. I murdered our baby…my baby…. I killed him..now I will kill myself… I cant forgive myself…. I want to die..”
He was motionless….expressionless….wordless….i couldn’t dare to look into his eyes.how a mother could kill her own child.i wondered if I was a devil or a human being…..i was crying…and I fell unconscious,,in my subconscious mind I saw a baby…cute one.. sleeping close to me,, close to my chest,, he was looking at me with his little eyes…his fingers curled around mine….and he said… ”what happened was destined to happen maa…it was not anybody’s fault … but if you would do anything to yourself….this time you would deliberately kill my innocent papa…because he cant live without you…..””
When I regained my consciousness,I found tarun beside me, his arms around me and he was sobbing.
“I don’t know why god punished us”, he said. Perhaps he didn’t want me to be so happy.But u promise me that you would never leave me,, because I cant live without you sonam. Please don’t ever leave me… for the sake of our love…. Our baby….yeah sonam our baby….god cant be so cruel to us….to our love…our baby is still there,,inside you….he is listening to us…he is safe…..!!
i need you sonam ,, I cant live without you,,,,promise me that you would be there with me till the end of time….
I held him close to my heart….. he was crying…. I was crying…. Everything was crying………………..
